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3-idiots: miss takes

So you've seen the movie, read my previous post about 3 idiots. Its a
fun movie, alas with many not-so-well-thought-of miss-takes and am not
talking about slip-ups. These are mistakes in the very story of the
movie.

1. Raging a senior: So Aamir knows conductivity. First of all that
prank isn't all that original. Its been used in many colleges
especially IITs, Jadavpur etc for years. They make you piss over the
heater. Try doing that. Don't worry you won't get electrocuted, cuz
you'll automatically stop peeing as soon as you get the first jolt.
That apart, he shocks a senior. That's a death sentence in most
colleges. You do not get away with that, esp in a college where they
can make you strip openly. They get back at you, gag you up and beat
the shit out of you. they might as well give you the same treatment as
you gave them (read electric shock). The only way you can escape that
is by tying up with the particular seniors rival, if there is any.
Again chances of that happening are low as it is. You cannot rag a
senior esp not on your first day in the college.

2. The Quad-Copter

The cute little versatile helicopter you see in the movie "designed"
by Joy. The design is called a quadrotor. It was invented way before
the movie's apparent timeline, around 1923. Check out Quad Rotor on
Wikipedia
Now I don't understand how it was an original idea. Its been there for
years, even in the robotics field for years. I also don't understand
what Aamir did, because apparently he did nothing. I hope he changed
the direction of rotation of 2 of the rotors to opposite that of the
other two. But again that's not so apparent.

3. Cellphones, guys, cellphones.

When they go to get the papers from the office, Aamir calls using the
principal's office phone. What the hell happened to cellphones. I mean
he's careful enough not to grab a paper later and run. He neatly opens
the seal, xeroxes the paper, replaces it and seals the package, but no
cellphones. Hell no cellphones. Why use a cellphone to call his
girlfriend when there's a perfectly suspicious and tracable landline
phone right ther. give me a break

4. No Generators, are yo kidding me?

So ICE is the top college in India, dragged from #28 to #1 by His
strict highness, Mr. Veeru Sahasrabuddhi, but I'll be damned, the
hostel doesn't have a generator. They have to use an inverter made
just to get the lights on. I mean, you got to be kidding me. No
generator in the top college of India. Even our college has a
generator.

Also add to that the fact, that when the city is knee deep in water,
eletricity out, ambulance services out, the internet connection works
just fine.

5. And ofcourse, forget Defibrillators and respirators, just say "Allizwell"

So you can revive a dead child just by saying Allizwell. You got to be
kidding me. ROFl. Go to a graveyard and say Allziwell 3 timesand
you'll have a nice army of zombies at your disposal.

Am I the only one, who thinks this is crazy?

3 Idiots Marketing

When Aamir Khan, producer Vidhu Vinod Chopra, and director Rajkumar
Hirani, sat down and watched the first half of the first cut of 3
Idiots together, they knew they were watching something that had the
potential to go "big time". A boisterous drama about three friends
dealing with the pressures of engineering school, and one friend
teaching them how to dream, was a story they knew would stick. They
guessed multiplexes in cities would overflow. They figured they had a
fair chance at beating Ghajini, an Aamir Khan starrer and the biggest
grossing Hindi film of all time.

But something bothered them. In smaller towns, regional cinema was
still king and Hindi cinema just a joker. In Gujarat, a star like
Vikram Thakur at his peak, could bring in close to Rs 7 crore. A top
grossing Hindi film on the other hand could hope to rake in just Rs 3
crore.

"We felt we aren't connecting enough with our audience… There's a
business capacity of seven, but we are only doing three. So there's a
lot of business we aren't reaching out to," says Khan as he talks to
us from his Pali Hill apartment in Bandra, a Mumbai suburb. He's
wincing from a leg injury sustained earlier during the day, but is
intent we hear what he's saying.

"Do they want to be entertained? Yes. Do they like watching films?
Yes. But are they watching our films? No. They're watching regional
films." It could only mean two things, he reasoned. One, Hindi films
aren't marketed well. And two, film makers from Mumbai don't
understand small town India. Khan was determined to figure out both
answers. But how?

The ball begins to roll

A Breather For Gold
Thought Leader Interview: Philip Kotler
Sports Facility: Golfworx
When a team of 25 marketing people met in August 2009, led by Prabhat
Choudhary of Spice PR, who helped market four of the top five all time
hits of Hindi cinema, the team didn't know what the central idea to
market 3 Idiots could possibly be. Khan's brief though was clear.
Whatever they did, they had to get to the man in Bhopal, and the man
in Varanasi.

For a while, Khan had been toying with a rather vague idea. The movie
starts with Aamir Khan, who essays the role of the central
protagonist, having disappeared into oblivion. The rest of the flick
is about his friends looking for clues to find him. How, Khan
wondered, would people react if he disappeared in real life? Would
people wonder where he was? Would the media write speculative stories
on Khan's whereabouts? But more importantly, how could the whole thing
be orchestrated?

Through all of August last year, they debated on the plan. They tied
up with online gaming firm Zapak. And that was where they found the
answer: A-R-G, or Alternate Reality Gaming. Participants in these
games interact directly with characters in the game, work with other
participants to solve challenges, analyse the story and stay connected
on email, telephones, and the internet. The main narrative for this
form of gaming is usually based in the real world.

By September, ARG took over 60 percent of 3 Idiots' marketing efforts.
A Facebook profile "Amir the Pucca Idiot" was created, a page that
would be controlled and updated entirely by Khan. It became a talking
point because it was the first time an Indian celebrity had done this.
People wondered whether it really was Aamir Khan's page. His status
updates appeared in the papers. "Aamir the Pucca Idiot" would be an
instrumental part of Khan's disappearance to remote B towns, too.

By October, the 3 Idiots team had to activate the game. Before that,
teams needed to be dispatched to do a recce of all the places Khan
would visit during his disappearing act. They would be dispatched to
small towns in Gujarat, Punjab, Bengal, and Madhya Pradesh, among
others. It would be expensive and logistics would be a nightmare.
"We'd only marketed to 6-8 metros," Chaudhary told Khan. "But there
are 80 towns with at least one multiplex we had never even marketed
to."

Of doodles and bum chairs

By October, two months before the release of 3 Idiots, no one knew
much about the movie. There were no hoardings. No signs at theaters.
And to build the suspense, multiplexes were sent bum chairs (like the
ones the 3 Idiots sit on in the film); stickers that read "You are the
4th idiot". No one knew what it all meant.

But on October 30, the 3 Idiots team made their first break of
communication. They launched the film's trailer to a gathering of
trade people, multiplexes, and media. Ghajini was in the media for a
year and a half before it released. 3 Idiots would only be in the
media for two months.

In December, Khan was also busy designing T-shirts. "I said I can't
design, I'm not a designer, but I can give you my doodles," says Khan.
Pantaloon created a T-shirt line with the doodles, and 3 Idiots
Converse sneakers.

Featuring Khan's doodles instead of just replica merchandise worked.
Pantaloon sold more than 1000 pieces per day in its opening week, and
then sold out of the merchandise twice. The doodle T-shirt was also
created as a gift friends could send to one another on "Aamir the
Pucca Idiot" Facebook page, whose profile now had almost 2 lakh fans.

BusinessofCinema (BoC), who did the digital marketing, launched the
Pantaloon gifts on Facebook, plus ticketing applications, and 3 Idiots
videos and songs. Most of all, BoC readied themselves for the launch
of the ARG game. And then, on December 12, Aamir Khan disappeared.

Director Hirani and Producer Chopra claimed not to know where he was.
All that was left behind was a video on the film's website,
idiotsacademy.com. "I shot a video, and I said, 'If you want to be a
part of this of game, well... For two weeks, I will be traveling
around the country. I will appear seven places, will give you seven
clues to find me. For the first clue you need to get it from Sachin
Tendulkar.' And then I kiss my wife goodbye and walk out the door,"
says Khan.

I am not here

Khan first reappeared in Varanasi, disguised as an old man. "I
couldn't tell anyone who I was," he says. The 3I team shot footage of
what he was doing, but no TV stations could find him. Choudhary
worried, "How will media take it? Will they think it's a gimmick to
ignore?" And at every stage, someone on the team said this would not
work.

It didn't help that a lot of the 3I recce team's planning didn't work
out. Choudhary broke his collarbone in a rickshaw accident. Instead of
spending the night at Varanasi station as planned, Khan decided to
find his mother's home in Varanasi.

"I really went to Varanasi to make friends over there. It had to be a
genuine process. I didn't know who I would meet or how they would
react to me. It was happening organically," explains Khan. He talks
for more than an hour about Varanasi, recounting the story of a
rickshaw driver he calls "damn funny", and the four men who help him
find his mother's house.

After Khan left Varanasi, he let it be known he was there. 20,000
people trampled the tea shop where Khan had just been. The local media
went crazy. "They found the story fascinating because they saw how
unplanned the whole thing was. The English media picked it up only
four times in those two weeks, but Hindi news channels and local print
and TV media went ballistic. I was on the front page. They would
report every new clue we announced, and interview the people I had
met," says Khan.

Khan not only evaded the media, but also goaded them. "I had been
given the names of 15 editors in each city. So when I left their city,
I wrote each of them handwritten letters on my letterhead that said 'I
was passing through your city and felt like having sweets. So I bought
some mithai and got you some as well. Love, Aamir'. It was a like a
tease," Khan says and smiles.

Khan gave only four interviews to TV stations during the entire tour,
all to regional TV stations. Regional stars were selected to interview
Khan. On Mahua TV in UP, for example, Bhojpuri star Ravi Kishnan
interviewed Khan. "Other than those four, I thought TV stations
shouldn't get me. All they get is what I shoot and send to them. I
don't have a deal with them, so I don't know if they will bite. But I
had not been available, so I knew they were thirsty for me," says
Khan.

The strategy was deployed for the print media as well. He stayed clear
of mainstream English dailies and spoke very selectively to regional
newspapers. For the first time in recent history, B towns were
clamouring for an upcoming Hindi film.

Final notes

When they started, the ARG game was just a small part of Khan's
disappearance. It was more like a contact program, "something like
what Obama would have undertaken," explains Choudhary. But soon, many
fans found out about idiotsacademy.com. They learned to play the ARG
(a first ever for a Hindi film), competing against one another to find
out where Khan was. Fans played other games on the website, too,
racking up around 4.5 million plays, says Rohit Sharma of Zapak, which
designed the game.

And not once during Khan's journey was 3 Idiots mentioned. When he
went to a girls' school in Palanpur, Gujarat, to highlight the
importance of the girl child's education, Khan asked the girls to
shout their message to TV cameras. "The girls didn't say '3 Idiots
releases on December 25!" Khan laughs. Instead, they said girls need
as much a chance to go to school as boys do. "Now people will either
connect to that or say the guy is bullshitting. I think we made a
strong emotional connect."While Khan was in the middle of this
journey, and excitement was at a peak, "Aamir Khan the Pucca Idiot"
decided to hold a Facebook live chat with fans. Khan would be on
video, and fans could type in from Twitter, Facebook, and Youstream.

The BoC guys expected Khan's live chat to happen from Mumbai. At the
last minute, they were told to take their hi-tech equipment to Delhi
and then set it up in a small village outside.

On December 19th, without a single hitch in streaming, more than 1
lakh users chatted with Khan from Pakistan, Bangladesh, the US, and
cities and many B towns in India. It was the first time an Indian
celebrity had done something like this. Over 300,000 status updates
were shared that day, according to Facebook's international
communications team. On Twitter, #AamirKhanLive was the sixth most
buzzed keyword in the world.

Six days after the chat, 3 Idiots was finally released.

How much could all of this have worked? The biggest opening any film
had ever had was Ghajini, with a first day collection across India of
9 crore. 3 Idiots' collected Rs. 13 crore on the first day. Over that
weekend, the collections added up to Rs. 100 crore. The film was
watched in 40 countries. Nineteen days after release, the film set a
box office record for the industry, grossing Rs. 315 crore worldwide.
It is the highest grossing Bollywood film of all time, not adjusted
for inflation. As we go to print, 3 Idiots had grossed Rs. 365 crore.

Khan didn't forget Vikram Thakur and his magic number: Rs. 7 crore. 3
Idiots beat it by a mile at Rs. 9 crore. Choudhary says from Ghajini
to 3 Idiots there's been a 30 percent jump in collections in B towns
like Benares, Bhopal, and in Faridkot.

Last weekend, Chance pe Dance was released. Its net collections on the
first day release were 2.15 crore for all India. 3 Idiots got 2.75
crore that day, meaning it's still number one three weeks after
release.

Ask Vidhu only if you are an Idiot

http://www.telegraphindia.com/1100102/jsp/nation/story_11934421.jsp

Ask Vidhu only if you are an Idiot

Aamir Khan and Vidhu Vinod Chopra in Noida on Friday. (PTI)

Jan. 1 (PTI): The controversy over Aamir Khan's 3 Idiots escalated
today with the media caught in the crossfire between the filmmakers
and novelist Chetan Bhagat, from whose Five Point Someone the movie
has apparently been adapted.

At one point during a news conference in Noida, Aamir said Bhagat was
hungry for publicity and producer Vidhu Vinod Chopra asked a
journalist to "shut up".

The author, at another media briefing, accused the star and the
filmmakers of denying him due credit.

Aamir alleged Bhagat was trying to take away credit from the film's
scriptwriter, Abhijat Joshi, who the actor said had worked on the
script for three years.

Bhagat called Aamir, Chopra and director Rajkumar Hirani "uncivilised
people" and denied he was hankering after publicity. "They are making
a fool of themselves," he said.

The filmmakers' news conference in Noida turned ugly when their
reaction was sought on Bhagat's allegations.

Chopra lost his cool when a journalist said the film was similar to
the book. The producer and Aamir asked the journalist if he had read
the book. When he said he hadn't, Chopra asked him to shut up.

When the media objected, Aamir asked Chopra to apologise but the
producer refused.

"Aamir had asked me to take the legal course before, but now after all
this furore I am really angry and I might take legal action," Chopra
said.

"We have signed a very defined contract with Chetan stating his name
would appear in the rolling credits of the film. We are going to
upload the agreement on (my) website."

Hirani, who has directed Munnabhai MBBS and Lage Raho Munnabhai, tried
to pacify the media. "I want you to recount each and every scene with
me from the beginning till the climax and tell me where is it similar
to the book," he said. "There are so many scenes which have nothing to
do with the book…. The film has only five per cent of the book and
Chetan read the script and approved of it."

Borrowing a line from Lage Raho, Chopra said: "We will send a 'get
well soon' card to Chetan. We will also send some flowers." Aamir said
Chopra and Hirani had told him not to comment, but he felt "hurt" that
"Hirani's credibility is being questioned".

"I have nothing to do with this issue. I am the non-interested party
but I know Hirani and Abhijat both very closely and I have seen them
slogging on the script for the last three years," Aamir said.

He said it was Bhagat who had approached Hirani to make a film on his
book. "Hirani read the book and decided to make a film. But when they
started writing the script, it became completely different. Chetan
read the script and he was completely satisfied with it. He even told
me that the script and the book are very different," Aamir said.

Bhagat has accused the filmmakers of "playing" with him and not giving
him adequate credit. "From the beginning the film has been promoted on
the lines that it is based on Five Point Someone but when I saw the
film, I found out that my name was nowhere to be seen in the opening
credits," he said.

"For the past two years I have trusted Hirani, Vidhu Vinod Chopra and
Aamir blindly and this is what I get in return. Now I am being
threatened with legal action but I am ready for it."

A book, a film and the truth

December 31, 2009 by Chetan Bhagat

Dear All,

The 3 Idiots story credit issue has been making some noise now. The
news is coming out in bits and pieces, and I think it is important I
clarify a few things. Yes, clearly, the makers of the film have been
unfair and thousands of my readers have been saying so. I am aware of
this, and this is not an issue that has 'just come up'. I've been
grappling with it for two years, but kept silent about it.

The only reason it has surfaced after the movie's release is because
Five Point Someone has a few million readers, and when you copy a
popular story claiming it as 'original' and 'completely different',
people are going to find out. People did, and so did a lot of media
journalists.

The case is as simple as the makers claiming the story as their own,
and clearly it is not. Pre-release, the makers made press statements
like the movie is only 'very loosely', '2%-5% inspired by the book'.
After release, those who have read the book and seen the movie (and
frankly, I think those are the only people who have the right to
comment) find the film to be an adaptation of Five Point Someone. The
setting, characters, plotline, dramatic twists and turns, one-liners,
theme, message – almost all aspects that make up the story are from
FPS. Yes, there are some changes, any adaptation requires that – but
it is no way an original story. Leading movie critics have privately
admitted to me that the film is 70% the book. Still, don't take my
word for it – go read the book, watch the film.

I, frankly, was shocked to see this. This is because I was also fed
'this is an original movie' line a lot. I wanted to see the final
script – it was never shown to me. I wanted to see the film before
release – it was not shown to me (even though trials had been done for
people). What's more, the makers had called me to their office and
pressured me several times to withdraw my 'Based on a novel by'
credit, which was by contract. They told me they'd replace it with
something like 'initiated by' – a credit that doesn't exist anywhere
in the world. I still told them that if the film is indeed original,
I'll happily withdraw the credit, but somehow the promos don't tell me
so. I asked them to show me the film and they fell silent.

Soon, they started doing media promotions for the film, and kept me
completely out of it (you'll never find me in an interview with them).
Crores was poured into publicity on shutting me out and cementing the
fact that 3 Idiots is not based on Five Point Someone. However, the
book had been read by millions of people and the FPS buzz just did not
die down.

Ten days before the release, I was called into their office. They said
'we should be friends now'. I said I am always up for friendship, and
the success of the film is good for me as well. They also said, and I
quote verbatim 'even though this is an original film, we have given
you a great credit, right upfront. After all, we love writers and a
king should treat another king with respect. You are family'. I
believed them.

I called my family before release, and told them all not to expect
FPS. I even gave a few interviews where I said don't expect FPS.

Then I went for the premiere. My family sat in the theatre shocked, as
sequence after sequence came from the book. 2%-5% means 3-6 minutes,
and I had told my family to look for the few FPS moments and note
them. However, there were so many that it became impossible to keep
track. The plot line was same – people meet at ragging, the first
class with definition of machine, the friends separate, Alok (Raju)
moves with Venkat (Chatur), Ryan (Rancho) helps Alok's father, Alok
rejoins group etc etc. From Alok (Raju) jumping to stealing the
papers and calling out from Cherian (Virus') office – the book came
alive on screen. I was surprised and happy that FPS has made it in
such a grand way.

However, my family had not spotted my credit in the beginning (there
was none) and they were feeling let down. A screenplay associate
credit to VVC had a prominent upfront placement. The story credit was
not shared with me. And yes, all the office talk of a 'king treated
like king' was a white lie.

I knew they had played with me, and that 'based on a novel by' credit,
which they were legally bound to give would be hushed away at the end
– with the clear intention of making sure people miss it. And indeed,
it came after the junior artists and still photographer of the movie,
and zoomed away fast. My own mother missed seeing my name, and for
that she cried after seeing the film. I told her it doesn't matter, as
people know FPS. But yes, that hurt me a lot.

I went up to the makers after the premiere, and they said it is a hit
so chill and forget about it. I guess I could, but it is hard. Only a
writer or a creative person knows how this feels. I am one of the
lucky ones that people have read FPS. Imagine the fate of other
writers in Bollywood. Anyway, I came home and thanked God for making
my story reach so many people.

Upon the film's release – my mailbox and twitter account, literally
became flooded. Fans and readers wrote stunned mails. They had seen
the makers' interviews which had denied FPS links and they missed
seeing the credit on screen. I kept quiet, though I did send a message
to the makers telling them audience reactions. They did not respond.
Soon media journalists saw the film. They called me and said they have
to do a story on this as they are on my side. I tried my best to avoid
them. However, many have helped me in the past and I can't avoid their
call forever. One HT journalist from Delhi called, and asked me how I
felt about the credit. I used one word – I said 'strange'. And that's
when the news exploded.

This my friends, is the story. Meanwhile, the makers have accused me
of seeking fame – when clearly it is the other way round. They've
taken my story to make fame for themselves, and shut me out of it. I
know my readers will spot it immediately. However, the film also
reaches millions of other people who do not read books – and they
deserve to know who wrote the story. And that is why I am talking
about this issue (and I admit for people who've read the book, they
may wonder it's so obvious so why I am going on about it).

I hope my explanation helps. I do have a few additional points to make.
This has nothing to do with Mr. Aamir Khan – while the makers are
fronting him to talk about the issue (as he has the credibility), this
is not about him at all. I am a big fan of Aamir and he has made my
story reach people. However, he was told by the makers not to read the
book, and he hasn't. Thus, he cannot comment on the issue in a
meaningful manner. The media should stop questioning him. When I met
him, both of us were told that the movie is original and not the book.
He was asked not to read the book – and I wasn't shown the script. Go
figure.

I don't need this kind of fame – It doesn't do anything for me. Like I
said, I am lucky to have channels to express my opinion. Other writers
don't. I can't tell you how much it hurts when this happens. Imagine
someone takes your child, dresses him up and tells the world it is
theirs. I've felt the pain for two years on this issue but I kept
silent on it. I can't help it if millions have read the book and see
the movie upon release and spot the issue themselves.

I don't want anything from them – They've taken the story credit. Let
them keep it. All Bollywood award functions have an award for 'story',
apart from other categories. They'll collect it all year around and
feel good about it. I didn't write the story for awards. I wrote it as
I felt I had something to say about the education system and the race
for grades. I have my fans' love and I am more than happy with it.

The odds - They have an army of people to promote their side of the
story, crores of media budgets and are sparing no efforts to bring me
down. The only thing I have is my fans, and the truth. But then, the
truth is Krishna, and the Pandavas had only that while there was an
army on the other side. Remember who won that battle?

Some people have told me that I should keep silent. I did try to be
silent but didn't work. Also, people say this is how Bollywood works.
Sorry, I disagree. Not all Bollywood works like this. There are a lot
of good people too. And every event like this helps change things for
the better. And that is what I am all about anyway.

I urge you to not believe me at face value. Read the book, see the
movie – and like the movie says – think for yourself and decide.

I want to thank the media journalists who are supporting me. Yes, the
makers on the other side have a lot of stature – but truth comes above
stature – that's the first rule of journalism. I salute you for having
the courage to stick to that. Our country does have free press, and
thank God for that.

Like I said, I don't need anything. Even if I have no more movies made
on my stories or nobody wants to read my books and columns, I'll
happily join ISKCON and dedicate my life to Krishna.

But I will not shy away from the truth – ever.

Blessings,
Me

Bhagat upset over story credit for 3 Idiots

Aditya Gupta
Mumbai, December 29, 2009

Writer Chetan Bhagat is upset with the makers of 3 Idiots, the film
based on his bestselling novel Five Point Someone. He says he has not
been given due credit for the story.

"I wasn't shown the film (before its release) or even the full script.
I was only told that a lot of changes had been made (in the story).
The film's makers have not even given me credit for the story. I don't
know why they have done this," says Bhagat.

"There was this news going around that the film is loosely inspired by
my book. But when we saw the film, we realised that it basically
followed the book. Some extra bits had been added, like in the climax.
But 75 per cent of the film was based on my book," he says.

Referring to a proper story credit being given to him in the film
Hello, Bhagat says: "Almost any film made worldwide on a book always
has proper acknowledgement to the writer."

Bhagat also refers to Slumdog Millionaire, which is based on Vikas
Swarup's novel Q&A, as an example. "The film was changed a lot. But
when (director) Danny Boyle took the Oscar, he thanked Vikas in his
speech," he says.

"The makers of 3 Idiots have legitimately taken the rights (of the
book) and made the payments, but somehow they wanted to project that
this is their story. But you can't do that with a book like Five Point
Someone, which is the highest selling book in the country," says
Bhagat.

The Curious Case of Phunsuk Wangdu:

Prequel to Taare Zameen Par

SPOILERS GALORE THROUGHOUT

Really! Is this it? Even if one were to suggest that all the 5 stars ratings had hyped up the film a bit too much for me…still, is this it? I mean, seriously, is 3 Idiots really the best film of the year…the best since Lagaan as some people are calling it? I'm surely missing something here. Either that or, Akshay Kumar never quite realized that all he had to do to elevate his films from the 'low-brow & crude' humour tag that they were pinned with was to sprinkle them with some convenient pop-philosophy and a pretentious life-affirming feel-good message. Because, really, that is the feeling I got after spending 3 hours with the 3 idiots and the 3 hundred more in the auditorium. Of course, I'll be the first to admit that I am in the teensiest minority possible here since the whole crowd was laughing with the film, and everyone I know loves the film, like I don't remember in recent memory. So, being the biggest Idiot of them all, I request you to not read the following as my 'review' of the film. I surrender; I'm ill-equipped to review a film that I don't 'get'?

3 Idiots begins then with one of the idiots Farhan Quereshi (Madhavan) faking a heart attack to land a plane, and then con a cab driver at the airport into taking him to his friend's house, the second idiot, Raju Rastogi (Sharman Joshi) who joins him in a hurry without any pants on! An emergency landing and a pant-less dash better be worth something…it is. For they've just found out the whereabouts of the third idiot of their triumvirate…Ranchoddas Chanchad (Aamir Khan) who'd just as mysteriously disappeared from their lives as he had entered. Ranchoddas aka Rancho impressed Farhan and Raju on his first day at the Imperial College of Engineering (ICE) hostel when he gets even with his ragging seniors by proving that salt water is a good conductor of electricity! Wonderful, right? Yes! That he does so by electrocuting the penis of the senior in question who is about to piss on Rancho's door is another matter. We've all had a hearty laugh…and that should be it! You can't even call it crude, because hey…it's also very clever, you see. You're electrocuting a man's dick, but you're also learning about salt water! That is what Rancho's caboodle of education seems to be- to not merely learn by rote, but to understand stuff and employ it in your daily life. Noble indeed! That the manifestation of this comes by way of electrocuting dicks (repeated again in the climax of the film) and delivering babies on a ping-pong table with the help of a vacuum cleaner (I kid you not!) shouldn't be a bother!

Supposedly then, this film is about the education system and what's wrong with it. But save a scene where a professor insists on the 'definition' of machine instead of an explanation of it, what flaws of the system does it really address? Is it really a scathing remark on the education system when an examiner refuses to accept the answer-papers of students who turn up late for the exam? This when they've conveniently not bothered to inform the examiner of the truly justified reason for their being late! We hardly see the professors of the ICE. All we encounter over and over again is the Principal, Viru Sahastrabuddhe (Boman Irani) aka ViruS and his encounters with Rancho & Co. When Rancho is not offering Virus free suicide statistics (the film chooses to see only the system as responsible for student-suicides, and not ragging…which actually has been proven to be the reason for more suicides than parental and peer pressure), he and his idiots are busy turning up at his daughter's engagement or pissing on his front door! Yes, for though it is unfair of a senior to piss on a junior's door (ragging that is met with penile electrocution)…it is supposedly just and funny for two students to piss on the front door of their Principal's house! Because Virus is evil, you see. The murderer, as he is dubbed, responsible for students committing suicides. And that is what the film eventually boils down to. Not a comment on the education system per se, but a personal one-upmanship between the 3 Idiots and Virus. Unlike Munna Bhai MBBS, where along with Boman's Dr. Asthana, the whole medical fraternity and the hospital staff and its patients alike were imparted valuable lessons in life; or Lage Raho Munna Bhai, where Gandhigiri wasn't used merely to reform Boman's sardar, but sold as a relevant catchphrase to the apathetic society in general…3 Idiots doesn't have a large-scale awakening.

What it does have is a catchphrase- All Izz Well…a catchphrase that it oversells, to the point of contriving an extremely far-fetched scene that is intended to make the term iconic. In the Munna Bhai films, Jadoo Ki Jhappi and Gandhigiri became part of our everyday lingo…but the films didn't aim for it. In 3 Idiots, even after hearing Aamir spell it out umpteen times, offering a Paul Coelho-esque placebo pill to our problems in life…the script actually engineers Virus' reversal by staging a childbirth so bizarre, the Farelly brothers might call a hit on Hirani for coming up with it first. On the day that the 3 Idiots are expelled from the institute, the city is very conveniently flooded in a deluge of biblical proportions. Virus' daughter (Mona Singh), again very conveniently, happens to go into labour at just the moment. His other daughter, Rancho's insipid love-interest Pia (Kareena Kapoor), conveniently happens to be away in a hospital they can't get to…and the 3 Idiots happen to cross their paths just as conveniently! So Rancho, inspired by the Deepika Padukone BSNL ad, proceeds to deliver the child via medical counseling by Pia over the webcam. Oh shoot…the lights are out and the mother's too weak to push! Fear not, Rancho, just like his brilliant salt water innovation, comes up with an idea to not only generate electricity with an inverter (duh!) but suck the baby out of the tired mother's womb with the help of a…vacuum cleaner! But that's not the clincher. This birth of an innovation tied in with that of an actual birth (I can already see people reading into the brilliance of this twinning!), is made all the more significant when the apparently stillborn baby responds and comes to life upon hearing the term All Izz Well! The whole setup of the catchphrase is finally given its iconicity-cementing payoff in this most excogitated of scenes I've ever seen! And yes, Virus finally learns that true brilliance lies not in education by rote, but in knowledge with illustration. Hear, hear!

But even if one were to overlook all these, can someone please help me justify the number of loopholes that this script has? Pray why is Pia getting married to the same loser that she'd rejected 9 years earlier? Why does Virus react the way he does when he sees Raju at Pia's wedding…especially after he'd made his peace with the 3 Idiots when they graduated? Why didn't Farhan and Raju never bother to ask Rancho's address, and even if they didn't why did they not bother enquiring with the college about it since it is made amply clear later that he didn't provide a wrong address? And why didn't Pia, being the Principal's daughter, get the address out of her father, especially since she so easily accesses the keys to his office? Why did Rancho keep his secret from his best buddies and Pia?

This brings me to the 'secret' in question. The film hinges at the intermission on a curveball so sharp, I felt the film had suddenly been hijacked by Stephen King. Thankfully, and unfortunately (!), that wasn't the case. Rancho was never Rancho we realize. The son of a gardener, he, like good Will Hunting, had a penchant for learning…solving grade 10 problems while old enough to be in the 6th! Upon learning this, his master decides to fund his education until he grows up and earns a degree in Engineering! All this because his own son, the real Rancho, is a duffer…and the old man is planning ahead, knowing that the degree will help in getting roadway contracts for his son in the future! Talk about long-term planning. The kid was in the 6th grade…you devised a plan right until his graduation in Engineering! Anyway, our loyal, un-ghostly but equally phantasmal, doppelganger disappears after securing his degree and hands it over to the real Rancho. He studied, we are told, not to get a job but for the sheer joy of learning!

So who was he? The answer is revealed in the Ladakh-set climax, where we finally realize why Ranchod baba gave such pop-sermons during his stay at ICE. Like the Lama, a hop and skip away in Dharamsala, our Rancho is actually a Tibetan chap called Phunsuk Wangdu! Yes, not only is Aamir Khan playing a 22 year old, he's also supposedly a Tibetan! Wangdu has set up a school that encourages innovation and education the way he believes it should be. Wangdu is what Ram Nikumbh of Taare Zameen Par was before he came down to Mumbai ! Noble, again…but shouldn't Wangdu be proud of what he's done…and get his friends in on it and as many people as possible. Instead, the only person he chooses to write a letter and invite to be a part of his noble scheme is a vertically challenged help from ICE…not his two best buddies or the girl he loved! Why? Cuz otherwise there wouldn't be the contrivance of the all-important, plane-landing, pants-forgetting and wedding-abandoning journey to attain enlightenment from the Tibetan baba literally at the top of the world!

It's not just the contrivances though. The laziness! I like Hirani quite a lot, but how many times is he going to have a free thinker (Munna, Rancho) teach a Boman-in-some-getup (and the audience by extension) to see the flaw in his tenets of living and adopt the more ideal fulfilling approach towards life. It's not just the concept of a funny social message giving film that is getting repetitive; it's also the situations and the characters. Boman in all three films has now personified the face of the ills of the society, clique, group, etc. that the film in question seeks to question. In both Munna Bhai MBBS and 3 Idiots, he plays the authoritative mean-spirited head of administration. Like the orientation scene in Munna Bhai MBBS where Sanjay Dutt raises his hand and asks a befuddling question to Boman, you have Aamir raising his hand here and asking Boman a similarly innocent yet foxing question at the orientation! In Lage Raho Munna Bhai you had Jimmy Shergill being coaxed to overcome his fear and come clean to his father, played by Parikshit Sahni, following which they bond and shed a few manly tears. Here too you have Madhavan being coaxed to overcome his fear and reveal his true aspirations to his father following which they shed a few manly tears. Who plays the father, you ask? Why of course, Parikshit Sahni! If Munna Bhai MBBS had a comatose patient and a jilted lover who'd attempted suicide and a young man fated to die early…all being revitalized by Munna with his practical musings and a zappy song, you have in 3 Idiots, an amalgamation of all the three cases of Munna Bhai MBBS in Sharman when he attempts a suicide, ends up comatose and is slated to die! And we have the winsome Munna in Rancho's avatar working his humour to get him out of it! But how am I supposed to feel any anxiety or any emotion when we know, right from the beginning, that Sharman is alive…since he's undertaking the journey with Madhavan! It's not so much about 'will he make it?', as much as it is about 'how will he make it?', then! It robs this development of any pathos that it could have had.

And that is something I am very curious about. For a director unashamed of displaying emotions, Hirani seems very intent on being un-melodramatic here…to the extent where he trivializes everything with a comic yield. His approach is very commendable, especially in an age where melodrama is a curse word, but what's the point of spoofing Raju's abject poverty as a 50s film? It offends as a comedy for someone who's lived very close to such an existence, and fails as a drama for someone who's never experienced it. Why would you have a paralyzed man flailing his limbs wildly sandwiched between two people atop a scooter on his way to the hospital? These are zany yes, but to what end?

It is the humour then, most of all, which I didn't get in the least bit all. 27 instances of pissing, farting and pants being dropped to offer a posterior salute…these are funny…but in a puerile, childish and slapstick way. This is surely not the comical genius evident in Munna Bhai MBBS and Lage Raho Munna Bhai. Or for that matter is a rolling pin flattening dough after it has been used to scratch a grey-haired chest funny or simply gross? Is the substitution of the word chamatkar with balatkar and dhan with stan really the argument against rote learning that it pretends to be or merely an excuse to bring down the house with its innuendo? Would we have celebrated this comedy of confusion in an Akshay Kumar film where they wouldn't have been canny enough in disguising the cheap humour as an important lesson? And isn't that ultimately what 3 Idiots sadly is all about? Cheap humorous gags passed off in the guise of an important social film!

Rating- **

P.S.- I realize I haven't spoken about the performances. Aamir Khan adopts a fine body language and behaves every bit a 22 year old. Notice him especially in the scene where Boman hauls him to the classroom…Aamir lets his body loose so that he isn't walking with Boman, but being dragged. No matter how good a performance, I still can't fathom why we needed a 44 year old 'playing' a 22 year old…however believable he makes it by virtue of his talent. Sharman Joshi's is the performance you take home. His Raju, despite Hirani's efforts otherwise, emerges as the emotional voice of the film. His attempted suicide played to an Opera (a wonderful use of the setup earlier), his waking up drunk in classroom and his interview scene are the highlights. Sharman truly shines in  this one. Madhavan has the least role of the three, but he is effective in his part oozing with an affecting sincerity. Kareena Kapoor unfortunately has become so used to her glam roles that for the first time she is having difficulty being herself even! Omi Vaidya, though a bit loud I felt, was nevertheless interesting. Boman Irani worked for me in a big way. In a script that didn't bother to look at the other side, of people who have invariably become a part of the system not by choice but because they didn't think there was any other way, Boman lends his character with a nice air of desperate authority. Watch him especially as he clings on to his being right when he accepts defeat to Rancho but insists that he was right about the gravity-defying pen. He is a man who did all that was told to him, followed it to the point without questioning it…but finally realizes that maybe, just maybe, he was cheated after all!

P.P.S. – The film borrows from Scent of a Woman, Dead Poets Society, Good Will Hunting, School Ties and Teaching Mrs. Tingle apart from others. It also borrows gags from chain-mails like the man clicking a picture of the 5 burqa-clad women, to name one.